To all my SPHere...

Life...It keeps you on your toes.  Being a single parent is tough even on the good days.  Then come the school cancellations for random reasons, the pop-up illnesses that derail the best laid plans, and the seeming conspiracy when even the dog gets in on the act of messing up your day by pooping on the rug out of spite.  Then on top of that perhaps you have work challenges, family of origin pressures or conflict and drama with your ex. 

“Back in my day” - one of my favorite sayings lately, we literally went to school in massive snowstorms, icy roads and downright dangerous conditions.  I think I had a total of 3 inclement weather days between kindergarten and college graduation.  Granted the Northeast is more prepared for snow and ice, and I am not saying that we should send our kids to school if it’s dangerous outside, but a little rain isn’t going to make anyone melt.  If the wind is blowing the “wrong” direction, the kids will still be safe inside the school, and they can make it the 100 feet from the car line drop off procession to the school side door without blowing away in the wind.  If it's below 40 degrees outside they can put on a coat.  I’m just saying that single parents rely on school and perhaps extended care to complete their job obligations and perhaps even support a little bit of their sanity if that is the only kid free break they get. 

Sorry if I am a little cynical today, but I had one kid throwing up on Friday night, school closed the ENTIRE day for the eclipse Monday afternoon and now my other kiddo woke up with a fever today and as such, is staying home.  I am guessing he will be puking within the next couple hours...   

It’s hard to be a great parent when we must handle everything else ourselves as well.  Luckly, I work from home and am blessed to have a good job.  My kids are a bit more self-sufficient and don’t need constant supervision.  Thankfully, I think the days of walking out of my home office to find that my youngest cut his bangs with safety scissors are behind me...yes, that really happened.  Still it's challenging to find the energy and bandwidth to manage everything coming at us, especially if we have limited support from family or the other parent nearby.  

So, what do we do?   

Well, in part that depends on what stage of solo-hood you are in. For most of us SPHere, this was not a planned state.  We started out in a relationship (married or otherwise) with the goal of making a happy, functional family unit.  When that shattered, we found ourselves in an unknown land, not of our choosing (even if we were the ones that left).  If you lost the love of your life, that brings on another whole level of grieving and pain.  Even for our brave solo parents by choice, this was not likely what you dreamed of when you were young.   

There are three phases we must all walk through as we exit this past version of our lives – 1) surviving, 2) re-wiring, 3) thriving.   

Surviving 

This is the raw, painful period where grieving what you lost and radical acceptance of where you are now is necessary.  It’s all about feeling all your feelings and trusting that you have what it takes to make it through to the other side.  If you are a solo parent by choice, this period may have come before you ever got pregnant or applied for adoption.  If your relationship dissolved after having children or if your life partner passed away, it’s also about protecting and supporting your brood as they deal with their own feelings surrounding the change and loss they experience in their own young life.  Grieving, radical acceptance, holding big feelings and surviving are the only goals in this stage.  Surviving in this instance may also mean getting through the court process around custody, divorce, property sale, business dissolution, moving, etc. In this period, it’s about all anyone can expect you to hold, so give yourself and your children massive amounts of grace.   

You will see people getting promoted around you.  You will see people who are pursuing their dreams, taking optimal care of their bodies, going on vacations.  Perhaps your ex has already moved on to a new relationship.  Comparison is not your friend.  Those other people are not going through what you and your family are going through.   In the case of your ex, he/she may not have had the same experience of the dissolution as you and your children did.  It is not a race.  It is not a competition.  It may feel like everything is burning down around you during this time.  That is okay.  Get clear on what is truly important and fight like hell for that.  You can rebuild the rest over time after you get through this challenging period.  As complicated as this period is, it also highlights the blessings that really matter in your life. 

Re-Wiring 

You have grieved.  You’ve signed the paperwork.  You’ve tied up the loose ends.  You have accepted this is your new normal.  Now what? 

It’s time to re-wire.  If the relationship ended badly or was toxic, it’s time to deep dive into your own patterns and history so that you can grow from this experience and have healthier romantic relationships in the future. This is not to say that the end of your relationship is your fault or that “it takes two to tango”.  Even in the most abusive relationships, there are things you can learn about yourself that will help you more effectively protect your heart and your children in the future.  It’s not about fault, its about growth.  Understanding that you can’t control others and that you are not responsible for the behavior of other adults is a critical realization that many of us need to make during this period.   

You also need to build a new vision of a compelling future for yourself and your children.    You need to believe that joy and peace are not only possible again, but inevitable if you continue to take the next best action in the various areas of your life.  If you are reading this it is because you care and you want something more for your family and yourself in the future.  That drive for growth and healing will carry you along this journey. 

One of the first steps in re-wiring is to understand that you and your children are a complete family unit just as you are.  Many families look different than the stereotypical mom and dad with 2.5 kids.  You can’t have half of a person, so the stereotype isn’t even a possibility.  Stop striving for it and make your own vision for what a “family” looks like.  Getting comfortable in this state is key to stabilizing yourself and your children.  You all have likely endured a great deal in the recent months or even years and this is not the time for more uncertainty and upheaval.  In your lonely moments re-build your social network.   

Learn to ask for and...wait for it...willingly accept...the help that you need in whatever form that comes in.  This may feel foreign to you if you have been over-functioning for most or all your life.  Most every SPHere will spend plenty of time over-functioning anyway now that much of the responsibility falls only to you.  Your oxygen mask is asking for and accepting help.  Time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and learn this critical skill or you will burn out. 

Thriving 

If you have hit this stage, congratulations!  It means you have done the hard work and have found some success in navigating this new vision for your life.  Your support network is well established and continuing to flourish.  Even though you are thriving, you know it’s not all smooth sailing.  It’s about maintaining your progress, continuing to grow, finding new terrain and navigating setbacks, but you got this and are ready to handle whatever is thrown at you.  You and your children are hitting your stride.  Your relationship with them is stronger than ever for having gone through this difficult time together.  Perhaps you are even exploring romantic relationships again.  This is also the time when you can leverage your numerous unique experiences to help others that are earlier on the path.   

Share your wisdom and light with the SPHere!  Tell us what stage you are in and what resonates with you the most during this time.