Sometimes Doing Less is More

Today I feel a little torn.  I know I am doing the right thing, but that does not make it easy.  My 4th grader finally got to go on his field trip today (after it was already rescheduled twice earlier in the year due to weather).  We went through all the hoops the last couple times – permission slips and such, just to have it cancelled at the last minute.  On those previous attempts, I also had my son ask me to join the field trip if possible.  I had planned to accommodate his request.     

You see, earlier in the year he was having a challenging time finding his groove.  He had always been in classes where he already had a close friend, or two he could count on.  This year that familiarity was lacking; while at the same time, the social dynamics were becoming more complicated.  “Sick burn, dude” was becoming popular jargon and cliques were developing.  Bullying was becoming more prevalent, but the kids now had the ability to execute it in a stealth manner to evade teacher retribution. 

I had seen my son’s confidence grow as we entered Spring.  He was finding new ways to connect with his friends outside of school.  He was even finding ways to navigate the various relationship dynamics of his own class.   He was becoming more secure in who he was and in voicing his own interests and opinions.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like he was not volunteering to present in front of the class or anything, but still it was marked progress.  

So as the day for the field trip approached and I signed the permission slip yet again to reflect the new date, I waited.  I waited to see if he needed me there.  I knew he likely wanted me there, at least on some level; which is why I didn’t offer it up, but this time the question never came. 

For a lot of kids, fourth grade seems to mark the next round of a child’s individuation from their parents.  Their peer group is becoming more important, and they are more aware of how others perceive them. Most haven’t quite hit puberty yet, but the tween angst is slowly making an appearance. They are figuring out who they are and for some wise souls they are finding their unique voice.  Many, however, are still going along to get along and trying to avoid being the center of attention. 

This is a key time as parents for us to support their independence. We can give them the freedom (within reason) to navigate their social landscape and even make mistakes along the way. We just need to be their soft place to land, their sounding board and their guard rails. We want them to feel safe coming to us with all their feelings and thoughts. To keep the lines of communication open, we need to take the threat of punishment or parental disappointment off the table.  It is impossible and counterproductive to try and control their world, so instead we need to help them navigate it for themselves. 

Devices are highly integrated aspects of our kids' lives. Even if they don’t have a cell phone yet, they likely have a video game console (or multiple), a tablet of some kind and perhaps even a computer. There is a world of information and danger at their fingertips that wasn’t available to us when we were young. Cyber bullying is on the rise as well.  So, think about it for a second. What is the knee jerk reaction of most parents if they find out something they don’t like is happening on one of these devices? They take it away!  And kids know this, so why would they ever volunteer information about what is going on in their digital lives? That is the exact reason we need to take punishment off the table. If we give our kids a chance to talk through their challenges with us, we can help guide them to a better outcome, than if we leave them to figure it out on their own in secret from us. 

The same thing goes for in-person relationships. We need to give them positive tools for how to navigate difficult interactions and provide a safe space to talk about how things are going. There are a ton of excellent social, emotional learning books available as well. These can help them feel less alone and visualize how the situation can change. I am also a big proponent of therapy. We all have challenges, and sometimes it helps to talk to someone who can understand without fearing that there will be consequences. 

So, back to the field trip. Turns out they had a wonderful time. The kids did all the historical, field trippy type learning that they were there for, but also had some time to run around and play a big game of tag with friends, including those from other classes.  I think he came back a little taller, nearly ready for summer and more prepared to level up to 5th grade.  

So sometimes doing less is more. As single, solo, surviving and splendid parents here we are used to over functioning. It's in our DNA. Our Mama or Papa bear instincts are strong to protect our cubs and keep them from harm. It’s okay to let them stand on their own. We can still be in the background with our big bear energy ready to step in when needed. And when we don’t have to step in, we can enjoy the growth and sense of pride we see in our cubs.  

Hang in there SPHere! Those tiny humans are going to be adults someday.  Save some energy for what comes next...for me that’s the teenage years! Dunt, dunt, duuuuuhhhhh.